Barely Insane

Its the safest frame of mind in the world today

The secret to staying married

on March 30, 2012

This blog is a little older, I had written it as a note for facebook a year and a half ago..came across it and if something you wrote makes YOU laugh..well then its worth sharing agian.

Craig and I just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary and I had to share some of the comments made to me to regarding this. Years ago, a simple “Happy Anniversary” would have been the standard, but not in today’s time. I had people ask “HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU STAY MARRIED THAT LONG” with a crazy look in their eyes as if the prospect terrified and baffled them at the same time..

So me being me..I gave some serious thought to the question above and came up with my answer.

How in the hell do you stay married to the same person that long? Well; I came to the conclusion that you achieve this monumental goal by always checking the scales to make sure that one side has not tipped to far to the other side. For instance, do my faults out weigh his faults? Do his positive qualities still balance my not so positive ones and vise versa. I had to go back on this one a ways, and I am glad I did for the humor if nothing else.

For instance he drives me completely nuts by NOT reading directions. I have things that are still put together wrong because he refused to read instructions. I can’t stand the fact that he falls asleep on the couch each night and even though I have left him there to wake up to a stiff neck, he just don’t learn. He drives me crazy making me go “find something” right in front of his face. The man actually asked me one day where the “frozen waffles were at?” He doesn’t like to take medicine when he is sick, because he might not be able to sit there and whine and tell me how bad he feels if he does– and if he does take something it is only after asking me 20 times what he can take and how much of the medicine he should take..(he has still not figured out that over the counter cold meds do not KNOCK you on your azz for two days. Or that the reason he has that problem is because I have him take 10 times the normal dose to shut him up) If he puts 7 tsp of Benadryl in his mouth without reading the back of the bottle, that’s not my fault. His last blood work was fine, so its safe to say I have not caused him any irreversible liver damage

My husband is the type who doesn’t mess up much, but when he does–he does it so big and with such a bang I am not likely to forget it anytime soon. YEARS ago on our anniversary, he went off with the guys after work–without telling me…I was dressed up and ready, with a baby sitter, excited and waiting on him to walk in the door—he stumbled in the door at like 2 am and grinning..he promised to take me to the “flea market” on Bank head the next day to make up for it..( I am not kidding..)  I proceeded to lock him downstairs when he mistakenly went down there in a drunken state of mind–the kids let him up the next morning. lol

Even the delivery room is not the Hallmark card experience with us..He had the nerve to ask the doctor while I was in labor with one child if we could “postpone” it just two days so our son would have a better “baseball birthday!” (the age cut off was two days later.) He left me in the middle of a contraction during labor with another child to change the radio I had in the room to relax me..he cranked up “Leave this Long haired Country Boy alone” singing at the top of his lungs..while I screamed bloody murder. By the time our youngest was born, he was in no hurry to get me there or get the doctor even though I was screaming I had to PUSH..his calm reply—“I’ve seen this four times now..I could deliver this one.” See– that calmness of his also drives me nuts sometimes..He also drives me crazy with the way he drives..For years I have slammed my hand on the dash and made this hissing sucking in of breath sound when I get scared. One day the kids were acting crazy in the backseat..I slam my hand on the dash, suck in my breath and before I can threaten to come back there and beat them..he was locking down the brakes on I-20..we were sliding all over the road, cars were swerving to miss us..I yell “What in the hell happened!” He looks at me all crazy eyed and says..YOU SLAMMED YOUR HAND ON THE DASH!”  See that only proved he had been depending on ME to pay attention for him by hitting my dash break!!!

I could go on and on..but I have to be fair and check the other side of the scale– my side.

I am sure I have driven him just as crazy. He has this thing about NO MORE PETS..I would let the kids keep them. So when the kids found a little bitty kitten we nursed it back to health, bottle fed it and treated it like a baby. One day about a year later I was running late for Justen’s baseball game, trying to get his uniform clean. I get the clothes out of the dryer and freak out…I call hubby at work and I am screaming in a broken hysterical voice..”I killed…I killed..I killed…” I couldn’t get much else out…Craig finally yells into the phone…”YOU KILLED WHAT!!!” I hiccup and cry…”THE CAT!!!”  He proceeds to hang up on me because he thought I had killed one of the kids, he later said that his heart was stuck in his throat. I was distraught because I had accidentally dried the cat in the dryer, when I took the clothes out– the poor cat was wrapped in a towel and when I went to unwrap the towel; thinking it was just twisted up…out fell the cat at my feet..stiff as a board with its tongue hanging out and all its fur fluffed up.. it looked like I had taken it to the taxidermist. I was hysterical, the neighbor was laughing hysterically and by the time I got to the game everyone was walking up to me and going..”meeeeow” —–but my hubby..well he got to the game late because he had to go home and bury yet another animal. (I had also ran over a stray dog I had taken in the week before)

Back in our newly married years I got mad..(for good reason)..but I put Nair hair remover in his hair while he was asleep and watched it fall out for days and didn’t tell him what I did..He looked like a spotted porcupine. He kept telling everyone not to get their hair cut at this place on Hwy 5 because they had jacked him up! (five years later after leaving a church revival I confessed..lol)

I have “lost” my car in the parking lot numerous times and called him certain that our car had been stolen. I can’t count the times he has come to pick me up,  only to “find” the car where I parked it. He now keeps the batteries replaced in my key chain without ever saying a word about the fact I set off my car alarm to find my car. He has also calmly handled all the 911 calls to our house over crazy stuff my kids have done that I freaked out over..from Justen drinking miracle grow..to Amberley choking on a life saver..(which the EMT informed me is impossible to choke to death on.)

He just shakes his head and doesn’t say much when I get crazy ideas in my mind, like making him drive home another way because I had a “bad feeling” not one but TWO deer would run out in the road in front of us..(he might joke and call me Mrs. Cleo, but he goes another way home) The next day when TWO deer darted in front of our car (just like I said would happen)..he didn’t give me any credit..he just said..”You were wrong, didn’t happen yesterday” Another man might have me burned at the stake for such insight.

He has put up with me and my hot flashes and the times I have made us sleep with the windows open while its 22 degrees out side..he just wakes up cussing that “he can see his damn breath!” but he leaves my windows open..He laughs when I go psycho while dealing with the cable company and speaking to someone in India who can’t speak English..although one day not long after me calling one of those outsourced idiots a trained terrorist using the cable company to infiltrate our nation.. Craig did look a little nervous when some kid up the street beat on the door like a “warrant knock”

He just raised his eyebrows when he came home from work about a year ago and there were 2 black hefty garbage bags full of all our plastic cups, bowls and containers of any kind in the trash and everything in the kitchen was replaced with glass. I read this medical report about the harmfulness of heated plastic and tossed all ours out. I have animals buried all over two counties..left each of my kids somewhere by accident once..sent him outside in his undies with a baseball bat numerous times over something I heard in the night..I make him drag out all my Christmas decor by the first of October..and watch all 24 hours of a Christmas Story Marathon on Christmas Eve. I have laughed at his expense NUMEROUS times until I really did PEE my pants..like the time my foot was broke and the youngest set off the house alarm at 2am..I used my cast to push Craig out of the bed..in one big kick he was levitated in the air before falling flat on his face..and then the socks he sleeps in wouldn’t give him traction to get up off the hardwood floors..the alarm is blaring, dogs are howling, I am by this point laughing hysterically..and he is waking up to being slammed face first in the floor and then had to crawl to the door frame to pull himself up. Our marriage has been a lot of things, but dull is not one of them.

So this weekend we went to Look Out Mountain for our anniversary..we drove up and down the damn thing FOUR times looking for one spot because he would NOT stop and ask for directions..As the kids got closer and closer to the edge making me crazy..he just calmly says..”aww..they wont fall”  He was right I guess..I made it home will the three I took up there..but to balance the scales a little bit..We did walk out of a restaurant because the people were sooo rude that I just told the kids to get up and lets go….much to his embarrassment..lol..(that kind of stuff drives him nuts) I also spent the entire trip saying “slow down..get over..dear God don’t run up under the 18 wheeler!” and hitting my dash break until my  hand was sore. So I guess the secret to 23 years of marriage  is craziness and balance..or learning how to balance the craziness..and keeping it equal..or at least knowing when to equal it out..how do you make it to 23 years..by making it through 22 years! We have made it so far from high school dating and the prom together to having babies and eating frozen pot pies every night because they were four for a dollar and we were broke as a joke..now we have hit a year filled with heel spurs and hot flashes..each year brings new changes..keep it balanced..I mean our year would have been pure hell with him having heel spurs to bitch about if I hadn’t had the hot flashes to TRUMP that!!!!

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